I’m not a professional movie critic. But if I were, both my thumbs—and my toes—would be pointing down when I reviewed The Happening, the latest thriller from filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan. There are two main reasons why.

The first reason is that nothing happens in the movie. That’s not a spoiler or a clever play on words. Sadly, it’s a plot synopsis. If you can believe it, The Happening is an apocalyptic thriller without an apocalypse. Sure, there’s a cataclysmic “event” in the beginning. But then no chaos, excitement or real suspense ensues. Even though humanity is facing possible extinction, everyone stays calm, rational and orderly. In addition to being wildly unrealistic, such a storyline is boring.

If the “event” in the movie happened in real life, there would be widespread panic. Hazmat crews would be everywhere. Cell phone networks would crash. Children would be ripped from their mothers’ fingertips in the inevitable chaos. But nothing remotely like this happens in the movie. Actually, after the first 10 minutes, not much of anything happens, making the film’s title the ultimate oxymoron.

As if a dreary plot was not harm enough, the special effects, dialogue and editing are film-school amateurish. As many other reviewers have decried, I can confirm that there are indeed two scenes in the film where the microphone grip accidentally falls into the frame.

The second reason I’m so disappointed with The Happening is that, like many of his former fans, I really wanted to see Shyamalan redeem himself after the dreadful Lady in the Water. As bad as that movie was (and it was very, very bad), at least it came with the entertaining distraction that was the behind-the-scenes political battle between Shyamalan and the Disney executives who didn’t want to lose their jobs by distributing such a dud. The infighting culminated in a notorious scene at the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia where an angry Shyamalan threw down his napkin and stormed away from a dinner meeting with “the suits” who, after previewing the final cut, had flown across the country to personally beg him to rewrite the script. (Historical Note: The film eventually came out without a re-write and the executives indeed lost their jobs when it flopped.)

If I met M. Night Shyamalan today, I would ask him one question: Where did we go wrong? The Sixth Sense is one of the 10 best films of all times. Unbreakable is an underrated classic. He wouldn’t admit it, but the answer is The Village, his third major release. Shyamalan was stung by the heavy criticism of the movie and, in my opinion, started to believe the experts who said that his film’s hallmark surprise endings had inevitably turned into an Achilles’ heel because it was impossible to surprise an audience who came to the theater expecting a surprise. Both Signs and Lady in the Water, neither of which included a twist ending, proved that the experts were wrong. Twist endings are not Shyamalan’s problem. But I digress.

Back to The Happening. It sucks and nothing happens. Wait, did I say that already?

If after reading this review you still spend good gas money to see this film, you will wish that a certain wind blows by the home of everyone who played a part in green-lighting it. You will go from wondering if Shyamalan has lost his touch to being sure of it. Your date will be pissed, not just because you saw a bad movie, but also because the bad movie lacked enough content for interesting dinner conversation.

Here’s a happening for you: On my way out the theater I thought I saw Bruce Willis crouched on one knee talking to a little boy. As I passed by, it sounded like the boy whispered, “I see dead movies.”